Today's Step: Breath!... cut back on the Nicotine, my body really likes fresh air...
Today's Hope: To stay sane.
Today's Fear: The unknown of where my path to self-discovery and healing will lead.
Today's Quote: "Is this the trench you are willing to die in?"
Yesterday was amazing. Really asked Creator why I am where I am and thought hard about how my personal journey is tied in with my workplace at the moment. Teared up in front of everyone thinking so hard. That says to me I am thinking in the right direction and my answer was not simply regurgitation of some predetermned cookie cutter response. I am surounded by strong women who are the embodiment of reiliance and feminine power. I agreed that we were all called together for a purpose, professionally, spiritually, and personally. I look to them as my daily teachers and don't believe they have any concept of how hard I listen to their words and stories. I am eternally grateful. Learning to walk my talk. A lot of battles that have been a long time coming and Demons at their strongest that are ready to be faced. Tearing every last skeleton out of the closet and going to put them to rest finally one by one. No idea how thats going to work or how long it will take. My children deserve me to be healthy in the entirty of the word. I deserve it. Confronting oneself is more difficult than confronting others, though both need to happen. I am not looking for answers, backstory, why, how when, who, what, where, and for how long. I don't honestly give 2 shits abou the details. I am a conceptual person, one of principals. I have the ability to have firm morals and not allow any elacticity in them. I hope the same for others. I hope that my personal journey and growth can be matched by those around me. Not in an expectation sort of way, but for the sake of the relationships, for the sake of progress, for the sake of sanity. I really have no idea if this is possible, I have to believe it is otherwise I am destined to loose some of my battles that are worth fighting for. Very few trenches am I willing to sacrifice everything for. My children and my own being are at the top of that list. Without those, I can not serve any other cause. I have decided today to stop giving a shit about other's judgments. I will take advice, I will listen, be open to lessons, but anyone who has a personal opinion on my life, my actions, my choices, positive or negative, is more than welcome to give it however I am going to put more strenght into my belief that "Hey! This is me... not perfect by any slight of the word, quite flawed, quite human, and working on it... if you don't like it, fuck off. Worry about your own Journey."
A very wise woman said something to our group yesterday. I will try and repeat it best I can though I am sure not half as eloquent as she did:
Many of you keep wondering when your going to get to live the life you thought you were suppose to have. This is it. This is the life you were meant to have. You were short changed, screwed over, but this is it. You can choose to ask why. Or you can say "Isn't this funny, that I am here, and that this is happeneing to me? What does that say to me that this is where I am?..." And what are you going to do about it?...
Posts
