I hope ya'll read my disclaimer... im sure its somewhere on here. This is my "In my head ranting" space. I appreciate it is actually getting looked at though i take into no consideration whatsoever who may read this so be kind and take it all with a grain of salt. Shit... if i keep getting ANY kind of traffic i may actually have to write more than once or twice here and there. This crap usually goes months with maybe 1 or 2 random pageviews from germany or something...
"You say your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
you say your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go now, let go you tears some more
How many times have you asked yourself
is this the hand of fate that i've been dealt?
you're so disillusioned this can't be real
and you cant stand now the way you feel
I don't care about what they say
i wont live or die that way
tired of figuring things on my own
angels wings wont you carry me home
and when your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go your tears some more
and when your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go your tears some more
I triumphed in the face of adversity
and i became the man i never thought id be
and now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
i guess im not as tough as i thought i was
I dont care about what they say
Im gonna marry you some day
go ahead and wake up, its a brand new day
Angels wings gonna carry you away
Angels wings gonna carry me away
Angels wings gonna carry us away..."
Cant get it the fuck out of my head... at least its a good one...
Saw an interesting piece on betrayal a bit ago... It seemd to be a funny thing. All too many seem to get so wrapped up in the idea that life has somehow betrayed them and I watch it consuming those around me. Some of it is seen far off in the horizon that we choose ever so carefully to ignore. Others come out of the dark foggy 3am mist and slam us against the wall like a freight train. Betrayal of friends, acquaintances, material objects, drugs, thoughts, ideas, notions, love, vehicles,
those distant and those sitting next to us...
<p>No antidepressants this year, no xanex or self prescribed numbing agents, its all pretty raw. I keep so busy all year long to save my children from my own fear and anxiety and It's all to eager propensity to become consuming. Then one time a yeae we must force ourselves to slow down and just grieve. This year it feels as if the years angst has all been saved up for the last few weeks and October 1st it sends the floodgates open. Its funny how I know to expect this and yet somehow at my absolute bitchiest come the 3rd or the 4th the realization hits like a brick in the face. I've come to notice that now than grieving the kids these days is managing the fear. Complete, paralyzing, irrational, overwhelming, awful fear. There is a piece of someone that is taken out with any loss and I won't begin to compare holes with anyone else's heartache but there seems to be a unique grief to holding a still son incapable of opening his eyes and taking a breath, still warm, yet so lifeless and only moments before caused internal pitter patters in my abdomen that creates a memory so deeply seared in ones heart it is incapable of finding words. Pain that is not documented by a birth or death certificate. Pain of a life that was only real for me. Even more gripping is the fear... The kind of fear that makes it difficult to drop your child off at school or let them leave, even when it's with family, for the weekend. The kind of fear that makes a carseat, sturdy vehicle, and the most careful of defensive driving not enough. Fear that compulsively makes you climb out of bed to check on them in the middle of the night not once, twice, but three times. Your memory is my greatest teacher. Not a single breath is taken for granted and every hug is gold. And for the safekeeping of that, every night I tuck you snugly into bed, sing you a lullaby, let the dog inside, check on the rifle in the closet, and deadbolt the front and back doors before fighting for a restless sleep.
With a baseball bat... Or so I feel... Is this just getting old? Im not old enough to be this sore at the end of a day I didn't do anything exceptionally rigorous... Wtf?!?!
Interesting meditation the other day... Curious where those that where a part of it perceive me on the spectrum. Will have to find it and post, really should stop caring how others perceive me. Even when my integrity is true though some don't seem to get the genuine me... Damned I do, damned if I don't
Not sure why
Just going to go to bed
Going to miss the hell out of you this weekend
wish we were going together
Or staying together
Family obligations
I'll secretly be jealous
Though it was me that choose to stay
Wish you looked at me when I was talking to you
I know you have been telling other people were distant
I'm right here
I'm not going astray
Seems I have a lot of conversations
With myself lately
Wish your thoughts were more clear
We could snuggle to a movie
Like not so very long ago
Put all the electronics away
I see you
I hear you
I'm with you...
Doing what I can to pull my head together. So much that requires my focus which seems virtually non existent by the time the kids are in bed.
It has been a great summer, I have felt like my family has spent quality time together unlike we really ever have. One Uncle is back around which is refreshing and inspiring and the other is locked up leaving behind an ugly sense of relief for all those involved... How young is too young to start telling the kids the truth? I know 3 and 5 aren't it but when??? I resent being forced to lie to my children and I won't make excuses for a missed Christmas or Birthday... This sucks...
We are all here for something... i don't believe many of us figure it out, the fortunate ones do i suppose. Perhaps we even choose the people in our lives before we get here. It is all bigger than our our jobs, the individual people in our lives, our children... though they may be a part of it... it is much bigger. Perhaps it is something we did learn or screwed up in our last life... something we need to make amends for, a value we need to learn, a wrong we need to wright, another life even that we perhaps needs to intervene on, or a combination of many... Every obstacle, challenge, an opportunity pushed in front of us to steer onto the path we are here to be on...
I think I am figuring out mine... I'm very sad when those i love get lost and can not find theirs... I am very thankful for those that have stuck by me in the process of all of this and continue to stick by me through my grieving...
I've worked 14 days, with 5 to go, hardly had time to see my kids, I'm sick, I'm broke and can't begin to afford half the groceries we need, I'm tired, and here comes you with your obnoxious little tyrants and cart overflowing of shit food who has the nerve to cut in front of me and 4 other people in the self check out line... All I want to do is go home and have dinner with my family and not sneeze on your kids... LOOK THE FUCK AROUND SKANK YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE!!!!
19 day stretch without a day off from working
9 days into said stretch
2 simultaneous federal site audits
1 audit complete today
4 client families that need and deserve my time this week that i unfortunately won't be able to provide
169.5 approx hours worked at end of said stretch
4 hours sleep nightly average
3 to 6 various size cups of coffee average per day
800 + estimated miles during above named work stretch
2 amazing kids that I miss dearly and we the world to for all the time that has been taken away from them
23 days countdown to extended weekend off with cam on the middle of nowhere with good music and good friends and the beginning of a month packed with long family fun weekends...
Next 2 weeks are gonna be hell... The goes nothing... Goddess please assist me with the tools it still require to get through this successfully with grace and at least a little bit of sanity when all is said and done
This is really more for me than anyone else and is not written keeping much of anyone or anything else in mind other than spewing out whatever is overflowing. Read with a grain of salt and please recognize no one piece in and of itself is a very accurate representation of the bigger picture.
My name is Melissa. I also go by Mel and Missy.
I am a Mother to Amery, Kai, and Cason
I work with kids that have never really been given a fair shake at life
I ramble a LOT...
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