There is a penance we pay, whether it be in this life or the next.
I can only hope that the energy I have coming back to me I have the opportunity to square away in this life rather than stave it over to the next. I am uncertain how limited my time here is and if nothing else goes according to my grandiose childhood plan, I hope to at least leave this life, squared off, face to face, staring it down, with a sigh of acceptance and some small fleck or recognition to a balance in my eyes.
I finally see myself for who i really am and have let go of the wistful idea of trying to peek through another eyes for the sake of some outsiders understanding. I do not wish to be liked or even necessarily accepted through others eyes. I only wish for some moderate sense of understanding. Without deeper understanding, one can not begin to claim acceptance. Perhaps I have just begun to understand myself in a more revealing light that I have made peace with all that I am and am not. I have very modest expectations for others perceptions and ideas. Understanding is not an exaggerated expectation to hold.
For all of this understanding, I have a deeper grasp on reality. I wish others near me could share this. It has a tenancy to make life a little smoother. There is so much others covet, my imperfect self included, that simply isn't real. As a result, truth and authenticity are too often lost in the shuffle. We over complicate the whole mess of it.
I didn't think when I started that I would be able to end this abruptly. I sit here, with my 4 legged companion, television on pause, his candle and ashes on the table next to me, and I am more calm and more content than I could have hoped for. Initially sitting with this, I expected pages to pour out. Its in there somewhere but these short bursts lately are leaching it out of me quicker than I can find the means to replace it.
I am trying to to numb myself this year and have probably failed miserably. I have stood up for, and followed through with my process, my grief that I only allow to sneak in and wreak havoc but once a year. I don't ask for much, I make great effort to push down any ego and selfishness. This one time a year, I ask for selfish things. I ask to be able to mourn, forget, or celebrate in whichever way my heart and mind need to in the moment. I choose to allow my few precious days to be free of intruding schedules and prying constrictions. I choose how, when, and where to cope, if I choose to at all. I choose to be in my home when the floodgates open. I refuse to let other guilt me into being disloyal to this process I have developed. Its too important, the events were too traumatic. I choose to be selfish, do what i need to do for myself, so the other 362 days of the year, I can go back to doing for others.
I decided to blog today....
10 years ago
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