A long time since ive been on here...

With true happiness comes the ability to be struck by genuine tragedy
How did I fall so far?
What did she do to break down my stone wall defenses with such ease?
Was that even possible?
Or did it only happen this way in my head?
Though the sounds of solitude ease my nerves, something is still missing
Something to which I was previously unaware of
The burning in my lungs from too much nicotine and shooting agony in my lower extremities from not enough exercise as I'm steps away from collapsing down my 700 foot altitude climb through the some of the nations thickest most desolate forest terrain
My mind should be narrowed in solely on my 600 pound prey and the carbon rod mean to penetrate its heart yet she wont leave me alone...
I feel lost
Not because of the trail I veered from long ago or the lack of road which my memory placed hundreds of yards back
I am lost at the shut out I have fallen victim to
I am lost because for the first time I could not drown the emptiness and now, miles from another living soul, I still hear her
I don't know how to make sense of it
Too filled with rage to yell
Too heartbroken to cry
And too god damned tired to ask any more questions
I feel only fault with out the solidarity of reason
A glimmer of hope that time could heal would slow the madness ringing in my ears
Timing and circumstance play evil roles in a game no one signed up to play
Perhaps I fought too hard
Being more of a pacifist I am unsure where these lines in the sand are drawn and where they are blown away
My anger is only placed in a mirror and what business I had meddling in affairs of the heart
When my gut told she would never allow it to be anything more than temporary and why, for the first time, I insisted on total transparency
Resulting in a frightening awakening
A place I was terrified to ever come back from
Yet here I sit
Smouldering fire with a feisty chipmunk as company
Time moves so slowly I feel the need to run to see if I am moving at all
I keep waiting to wake up from this lucid dream
Reminding myself of the world around me
Spiraling down
Screaming at me to wake up
PAY ATTENTION!
The children need to be fed
Little brother begging for a visit in rehab
Mom needs an ally
Dad a hunting buddy
Friends fiending for a shoulder to listen and understand
Work left undone
Lives to impact
and I cant wake up...