What's the agenda

At work, providing safety type skills training to parent when parent spouts off with spiel on instilling his homophobic values in his kid.... My job is not to educate bigots. Although refraining from doing so.... REALLY REALLY fucking hard. I had to literally bite my lip to keep the words from cascading out of my mouth. "so in 4 years when your son tells you he is gay.... How you gonna handle that?"

Definitely need some supervision around that one. Ignorance.... Ugh...

I really hope for your kids sake that he is not gay... Or his 20's are gonna really suck.

Purpose

The steadfast idea that we are here as a result of a magical being's idea and preoccupation drives me nuts. Really sit and think about that a moment. Does our very existence and pursuit of happiness hinge on the need for an explanation regarding how we got here so badly that were really going to buy into this divine creation bit? Its all pretty far fetched. Perhaps if we put a little more energy into what we do with what we have, this place wouldn't be such a mess. Afterall, it seems rather self serving to act in accordance with a a structure instituted by man in the name of god with the root of its pirpose to please him and in turn secure our own ticket upstairs.  How about empathy? Why is it not enough to act out of simple understanding? Don't help the homeless guy  on the on ramp cause its what God would want you to do. Help him because, one seeing turn and it could be any one of us. Help him because he too bleeds, hungers, feels pain, feels joy. Help him because we all deserve dignity. Help him so that one day, should you find yourself on a street corner, a version of yourself may come along and help you.

Penance

There is a penance we pay, whether it be in this life or the next.
I can only hope that the energy I have coming back to me I have the opportunity to square away in this life rather than stave it over to the next. I am uncertain how limited my time here is and if nothing else goes according to my grandiose childhood plan, I hope to at least leave this life, squared off, face to face, staring it down, with a sigh of acceptance and some small fleck or recognition to a balance in my eyes.

I finally see myself for who i really am and have let go of the wistful idea of trying to peek through another eyes for the sake of some outsiders understanding. I do not wish to be liked or even necessarily accepted through others eyes. I only wish for some moderate sense of understanding. Without deeper understanding, one can not begin to claim acceptance. Perhaps I have just begun to understand myself in a more revealing light that I have made peace with all that I am and am not. I have very modest expectations for others perceptions and ideas. Understanding is not an exaggerated expectation to hold.

For all of this understanding, I have a deeper grasp on reality. I wish others near me could share this. It has a tenancy to make life a little smoother. There is so much others covet, my imperfect self included, that simply isn't real. As a result, truth and authenticity are too often lost in the shuffle. We over complicate the whole mess of it.

I didn't think when I started that I would be able to end this abruptly. I sit here, with my 4 legged companion, television on pause, his candle and ashes on the table next to me, and I am more calm and more content than I could have hoped for. Initially sitting with this, I expected pages to pour out. Its in there somewhere but these short bursts lately are leaching it out of me quicker than I can find the means to replace it.

I am trying to to numb myself this year and have probably failed miserably. I have stood up for, and followed through with my process, my grief that I only allow to sneak in and wreak havoc but once a year. I don't ask for much, I make great effort to push down any ego and selfishness. This one time a year, I ask for selfish things. I ask to be able to mourn, forget, or celebrate in whichever way my heart and mind need to in the moment. I choose to allow my few precious days to be free of intruding schedules and prying constrictions. I choose how, when, and where to cope, if I choose to at all. I choose to be in my home when the floodgates open. I refuse to let other guilt me into being disloyal to this process I have developed. Its too important, the events were too traumatic. I choose to be selfish, do what i need to do for myself, so the other 362 days of the year, I can go back to doing for others.

Writing to find not only the answer, but the question

Watched a fantastic spoken word poet on TED talks last night
She described using poetry to solve her problems or discover the answers to her questions
What happens when one doesn't even know the question?

I tuck the kids in bed
give them a tight squeeze
threaten that tomorrows liberties ride on their staying put
put on less annoying attire
position myself in my favorite corner of my tired overstuffed couch
balance my work issued laptop
(that has seen better days) on my thighs
neglect the switches that would otherwise illuminate the soft amber lights of my living room
and in a futile effort
attempt to make sense of the nonsensical vibrations
twitching about among the rhythms of sentiment
that flow between reason, expectation, and the
demoralizing loneliness of a well attended
but poorly attuned oblivious congregation
the clicking drone
gears of a cheap 3 inch clock
a hushed reminder of the dependable nature of time itself
moments pulsating
pouring the vitality into each sequential event....

(unfinished... ill come back to this tomorrow...)

Boiling under the surface

The internal pressure is too high to even begin to write. Maybe ill go back over some old stuff, expand it, turn it into some spoken word shit... Well see what tomorrow brings. The damn better break loose soon, I can feel it about to overflow

Always this time of year

Why does the universe seem so intent on not letting me have a day to just manage my own saddness without having to manage everyone else's stuff??

Aggitation

Ever so careful to choose my words. I refuse to let my anger get the best of me and resurrect the wicked bitch that feeds kindling to the small light of rage that burns quietly somewhere in the depths. Resentment is poisonous and feasts on unattended frustrations. 

(Thoughts never published from a few months ago)

Shit...

The last several "new" looking entries were all actually from a while ago. agoapparently when I read back and try to edit major typos, it then posts them as new. Thanks blogger.

Dreamland

Has not been very kind... The more aware and intense in my thought process gets around myself, love, life, control, general mindfulness, impulses, etc, the more my dreams take over. I have never in my life dreamed like this before... Theyre often, in multiples, seemingly random, and without much rhyme or reason. Since my childhood my dreams have always consisted of random terrifying animals and riddled with confusing but necessary flight. These were only broken up by typical new mommy dreams during pregnancy processing all kinds of strange irrational baby fears. I never saw faces, places were jumbled messes of those familiar all at once, and none ended,all repeated throughout years with only slight additions and modifications. Lately is something quite different. People are very present, the places sometimes familiar sometimes not however always concretely a single fixed place, not all are horrifying life threatening, some are mild, others neutral, Some anxious, some almost bordering pleasant. I struggle to recall their specifics yet I know I can't rest my eyes for 30 minutes without them flooding in. When one ends, I wake completely although usually briefly. I have sensed nearly 4 to 5 completely separate dreams in a single night of only 6 hours of sleep. Its impossible to feel rested. I don't understand... I know I am on the correct path with my own personal journey, I can sense that as well... So what am I missing? Where are these coming from? Why can't I rest??...

Fuck you Monday

Seemingly the theme as of late
Not sure what to do with myself, kinda feeling like the weight of a thousand task rests glaringly over me
Meticulously plan and execute an event for which is way out of my league, kids class project, write a program, catch up on ever so haunting paperwork, put my best hat on for a lateral move to a now demanding job with higher stakes requiring more of my time that I've worked 2 years towards, find a new place, move, re-settle, all the while there at dentist appointments for tooth extractions, doctor check ups, vet appointments, small claims to file, credit recovery battle, and not to mention everything going on daily with raising busy children...
Seriously?!?
I'm really just human, that's all, I promise nothing more

The Laundromat Diaries

Ha ha ha, another one from a while ago saved in my drafts

There are many things to consider when resorting to any sort of community laundry facilities. The general ones are:

*Do not assume someone won't take your half clean underwear. There is always done pervert or desperate for clothing individual out there that will decide finders keepers. Unless the machine you areusing locks while in use and you plan to be back before the load is finished, do not leave it unattended!
*Common sense, along with clothing, do not leave change or soap if any kind unattended or consider it a donation.
*Bring soap and quarters, the machines at expensive and will rob you from time to time. You won't get your $ back.
*Personal safety, don't be a jerk but always look, be aware of who is around you, and don't let yourself get caught off guard. All walks of life is laundromats!

Washing machine strategy:
*Here is where it pays to use the biggest, industrial washer in the place and STUFF IT.
*Always use hot water, you have no idea when it was cleaned last or who used it last
*Due to the above, if you must wash a load in cold water, or if you are washing children's/baby items, run a load of sheets or towels (preferably a load of whites or towels you can run hot with a ton of soap, bleach, and as hot as it will go) first, then run your cold load or baby load in the same washer. This way it is as clean as its going to get.
*ALWAYS pay mind to who just pulled their clothes out of machine before you put yours in, use common sense...

Dryer strategy:
*These usually charge per time not per load so do not overload these, it won't save you $. Split your overloaded washer load between 2 dryers and use high heat.
*If your trip is getting spendy, you can always dry your laundry halfway, then take it bone and strew it around the house overnight to finish drying
*Usually, all the dryers are stacked together along the back wall. Use a top one, preferably next to and above others in use. Or if using multiple, cluster them together. Is easier to keep track of this way, and you may get a slight benefit in your top dryers (heat rises).

Ever have that moment...

The one where you do something really stupid and right as your doing it you think "fucking jack ass..." But its a millisecond too late for the info to get from your brain to your body to quick enough to stop??? Like scalding the inside of your mouth on the coffee you just made from cheap instant coffee mix and rolling boil water... Yeaaaaaaah....

Fucking ouch...

Idiot

Clean

Cleaning.... But trying to do so to the extent that nothing is left in a corner without its intent to be in that particular corner. Exhausting but being rather hard on myself. I want my home to have intent, makes me feel less chaotic and puts my thoughts in order... We shall see how it goes. I feel that the homework (work paper work I can't seem to catch up on during work hours) and free writing will come smoother when my surroundings are full of intent...
If I don't blog again tonight it didn't work...

Bandaids (with stupid auto correct edit)

Camo bandaids are tough! Especially when you discover you mysteriously split your knuckle open....

I should go to bed... Really

Frustrated

Why the hell does it feel like I have to take a lead roll in everything?!? I'm really not interested in doing it all by myself. I don't have time or energy for the responsibility and ultimately something has to suffer which is a consistently rotating aspect in my life. I'm told to find the balance and I get on myself feeling like I'm not working hard enough then I hit 10 or 11 days straight of going until I pass out on the couch trying to salvage what little sleep there is to be had between midnight mommy duties, demanding emails, putting laundry away, dog walks, and if I get lucky... An occasional shower... All to wake up and attend to the needs of those whose are exponential and the very little one has to offer will never be enough. Let's just be real, I never signed up, entered a drawing for, proclaimed to be, nor tried out for super-mom. I feel this is a much larger rant to eventually evolve into some sort of slam poetic form however I have too much other shit to do...