Ever have that moment...

The one where you do something really stupid and right as your doing it you think "fucking jack ass..." But its a millisecond too late for the info to get from your brain to your body to quick enough to stop??? Like scalding the inside of your mouth on the coffee you just made from cheap instant coffee mix and rolling boil water... Yeaaaaaaah....

Fucking ouch...

Idiot

Clean

Cleaning.... But trying to do so to the extent that nothing is left in a corner without its intent to be in that particular corner. Exhausting but being rather hard on myself. I want my home to have intent, makes me feel less chaotic and puts my thoughts in order... We shall see how it goes. I feel that the homework (work paper work I can't seem to catch up on during work hours) and free writing will come smoother when my surroundings are full of intent...
If I don't blog again tonight it didn't work...

Bandaids (with stupid auto correct edit)

Camo bandaids are tough! Especially when you discover you mysteriously split your knuckle open....

I should go to bed... Really

Frustrated

Why the hell does it feel like I have to take a lead roll in everything?!? I'm really not interested in doing it all by myself. I don't have time or energy for the responsibility and ultimately something has to suffer which is a consistently rotating aspect in my life. I'm told to find the balance and I get on myself feeling like I'm not working hard enough then I hit 10 or 11 days straight of going until I pass out on the couch trying to salvage what little sleep there is to be had between midnight mommy duties, demanding emails, putting laundry away, dog walks, and if I get lucky... An occasional shower... All to wake up and attend to the needs of those whose are exponential and the very little one has to offer will never be enough. Let's just be real, I never signed up, entered a drawing for, proclaimed to be, nor tried out for super-mom. I feel this is a much larger rant to eventually evolve into some sort of slam poetic form however I have too much other shit to do...

Cats outta the bag

Really mixed emotions right now. Will write about it tomorrow once it all sinks in and I have a real keyboard...

To reformat or not to reformat, that is the question

So... I have been on blogger for a LONG time... several years (I go for long negligent periods where i let it wither). Blogger now has all sorts of fun new templates that they didn't have before. All they had when i started was a number of different "looks" to it (themes). Really debating if i want to remain die hard to the original simple version now before you or if i want to get creative and fun. Hmmm...

Al, if i do change it, your blog is my inspiration!  The Hippies Lied To Me

Dampening

SOOOOOOOOO MUCH THAT NEEDS MY FOCUS!!!!

Wake up. Fully energized. Coffee, smoke, kids off to school, meeting....Still goin. Crap at work. Impossibilities of heart tugging job. Wash it away as I leave the office. Get the kids. Smiling faces and kisses on the cheek. My life preservers in the turbulence. Grab a late evening cup of coffee. Still energized for a long night ahead of productivity to school auction duties, house cleaning, and some attention to my thoughts. Singing in the car with the kids to rediculous radio songs for 20 minutes all the way to the driveway. Its dark way too early. Porch light is off, house is at least warm. Flip the light on. Usher children inside and retrieve armloads of the days things from the car. Let the dog out. Gets kids in pjs. Sit on the couch and completely deflated...
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No energy. No spark. Damn near impossible to complete the simplest of tasks. Flooded with emotion that blurs my vision. Love this home. Love arriving at it with mini me's in tow. Love this pup. So. Much. To. Do. And. I. Can't. Clear. My. Head. Enough. To. Get. Off. The. Couch....

Can I go here?!?!?! (EDITED)

My Future Home

Actually... here!


Might as well go big huh? Love it all the way down to the bathrooms... now for 7-8 digits...

Gratitude i guess is where i begin tonight

I am truly at a loss. I don't know where to start. I have several pieces I have begun and not finished enough to even post on a stupid blog with sporadic readers at best. So tonight, I simplify my thoughts down to most basic of gracious gestures...

My beautiful intelligent amazing children, my supportive family, my loyal pup, my comfortable safe home, my team of amazing women (and now a few men) coworkers who walk through the shadowy underworld every day in an attempt to help a few lost souls.  My families that are forever my greatest teachers and heroes in their strength and perseverance.  My country that for the first time appears to be willing to choose hope for a more equal future, my relationships, present and past, for all the lessons about life, love, loss, and most of all about myself.  My running water, the heat from my vents, my lights in dark winter nights, even my freakin internet to keep me sanity and company when those winter nights are sleepless.  My car that has persevered through my constant long distant abuse and ridicule and continues to carry my family from destination to destination safely.  My amazing friends whom, though we all live very separate and busy lives, are faithfully at my side when the need arises. My health, my vision, my hearing, the acuteness of all of my senses.  My sanity though sometimes it may feel in question it remains with me on the most basic levels.  Freedom to write, think, feel, and choose my own direction in life. The freedom, sobriety, and stability of those around me that i love dearly and admire their fight and struggle every day. I am grateful for the reminders in the universe, the little signals that i am headed in either the right or wrong direction that also signify a strengthening bond between myself and the higher energy i am connected with. My sleep when it decides to agree with me and even when it doesn't my sleeplessness often lends me insight to what needs more attention in my personal universe....


I am sure more hashing out of shit in my head to come.

The Secret & The Moses Code...

Notes to self from over a year ago...

Some stuff to contemplate here...

Law of attraction
Gratitude

Ask
Actualize
Envision having it and gratitude - feel it

Connectedness

Oneness

life we live being sufficient for the purpose we are being called for

the giving of ourselves

called to a greater degree of serving human kind, your family, those you come in contact with

wired so that you know you are on track with the aliveness you feel

28

28 Pageviews!?!?!

I hope ya'll read my disclaimer... im sure its somewhere on here. This is my "In my head ranting" space. I appreciate it is actually getting looked at though i take into no consideration whatsoever who may read this so be kind and take it all with a grain of salt. Shit... if i keep getting ANY kind of traffic i may actually have to write more than once or twice here and there. This crap usually goes months with maybe 1 or 2 random pageviews from germany or something...

I wont live or die that way....

Stuck in my head...

"You say your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
you say your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go now, let go you tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself
is this the hand of fate that i've been dealt?
you're so disillusioned this can't be real
and you cant stand now the way you feel

I don't care about what they say
i wont live or die that way
tired of figuring things on my own
angels wings wont you carry me home

and when your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go your tears some more


and when your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go your tears some more

I triumphed in the face of adversity
and i became the man i never thought id be
and now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
i guess im not as tough as i thought i was

I dont care about what they say
Im gonna marry you some day
go ahead and wake up, its a brand new day
Angels wings gonna carry you away
Angels wings gonna carry me away
Angels wings gonna carry us away..."

Cant get it the fuck out of my head... at least its a good one...

Betrayal

Saw an interesting piece on betrayal a bit ago... It seemd to be a funny thing. All too many seem to get so wrapped up in the idea that life has somehow betrayed them and I watch it consuming those around me. Some of it is seen far off in the horizon that we choose ever so carefully to ignore. Others come out of the dark foggy 3am mist and slam us against the wall like a freight train. Betrayal of friends, acquaintances, material objects, drugs, thoughts, ideas, notions, love, vehicles,
those distant and those sitting next to us...

Play nice Thursday

<p>No antidepressants this year, no xanex or self prescribed numbing agents, its all pretty raw. I keep so busy all year long to save my children from my own fear and anxiety and It's all to eager propensity to become consuming. Then one time a yeae we must force ourselves to slow down and just grieve. This year it feels as if the years angst has all been saved up for the last few weeks and October 1st it sends the floodgates open. Its funny how I know to expect this and yet somehow at my absolute bitchiest come the 3rd or the 4th the realization hits like a brick in the face. I've come to notice that now than grieving the kids these days is managing the fear. Complete, paralyzing, irrational, overwhelming, awful fear. There is a piece of someone that is taken out with any loss and I won't begin to compare holes with anyone else's heartache but there seems to be a unique grief to holding a still son incapable of opening his eyes and taking a breath, still warm, yet so lifeless and only moments before caused internal pitter patters in my abdomen that creates a memory so deeply seared in ones heart it is incapable of finding words. Pain that is not documented by a birth or death certificate. Pain of a life that was only real for me. Even more gripping is the fear... The kind of fear that makes it difficult to drop your child off at school or let them leave, even when it's  with family, for the weekend. The kind of fear that makes a carseat, sturdy vehicle, and the most careful of defensive driving not enough. Fear that compulsively makes you climb out of bed to check on them in the middle of the night not once, twice, but three times. Your memory is my greatest teacher. Not a single breath is taken for granted and every hug is gold. And for the safekeeping of that, every night I tuck you snugly into bed, sing you a lullaby, let the dog inside, check on the rifle in the closet, and deadbolt the front and back doors before fighting for a restless sleep.

Struggling

To keep my feet on the ground and head in the game... Really wanting to check out and ignore it all...