Beat...

With a baseball bat... Or so I feel... Is this just getting old? Im not old enough to be this sore at the end of a day I didn't do anything exceptionally rigorous... Wtf?!?!

Love

Interesting meditation the other day... Curious where those that where a part of it perceive me on the spectrum. Will have to find it and post, really should stop caring how others perceive me. Even when my integrity is true though some don't seem to get the genuine me... Damned I do, damned if I don't

Feeling needy...

Not sure why
Just going to go to bed
Going to miss the hell out of you this weekend
wish we were going together
Or staying together
Family obligations
I'll secretly be jealous
Though it was me that choose to stay
Wish you looked at me when I was talking to you
I know you have been telling other people were distant
I'm right here
I'm not going astray
Seems I have a lot of conversations
With myself lately
Wish your thoughts were more clear
We could snuggle to a movie
Like not so very long ago
Put all the electronics away
I see you
I hear you
I'm with you...

Turbulance

Oh what times these are...

Doing what I can to pull my head together. So much that requires my focus which seems virtually non existent by the time the kids are in bed.

It has been a great summer, I have felt like my family has spent quality time together unlike we really ever have. One Uncle is back around which is refreshing and inspiring and the other is locked up leaving behind an ugly sense of relief for all those involved... How young is too young to start telling the kids the truth? I know 3 and 5 aren't it but when???  I resent being forced to lie to my children and I won't make excuses for a missed Christmas or Birthday... This sucks...

We are all here for something... i don't believe many of us figure it out, the fortunate ones do i suppose. Perhaps we even choose the people in our lives before we get here. It is all bigger than our our jobs, the individual people in our lives, our children... though they may be a part of it... it is much bigger. Perhaps it is something we did learn or screwed up in our last life... something we need to make amends for, a value we need to learn, a wrong we need to wright, another life even that we perhaps needs to intervene on, or a combination of many... Every obstacle, challenge, an opportunity pushed in front of us to steer onto the path we are here to be on...

I think I am figuring out mine... I'm very sad when those i love get lost and can not find theirs... I am very thankful for those that have stuck by me in the process of all of this and continue to stick by me through my grieving...

Bitch at the grocery store...

I've worked 14 days, with 5 to go, hardly had time to see my kids, I'm sick, I'm broke and can't begin to afford half the groceries we need, I'm tired, and here comes you with your obnoxious little tyrants and cart overflowing of shit food who has the nerve to cut in front of me and 4 other people in the self check out line... All I want to do is go home and have dinner with my family and not sneeze on your kids... LOOK THE FUCK AROUND SKANK YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE!!!!

The numbers...

19 day stretch without a day off from working
9 days into said stretch
2 simultaneous federal site audits
1 audit complete today
4 client families that need and deserve my time this week that i unfortunately won't be able to provide
169.5 approx hours worked at end of said stretch
4 hours sleep nightly average
3 to 6 various size cups of coffee average per day
800 + estimated miles during above named work stretch
2 amazing kids that I miss dearly and we the world to for all the time that has been taken away from them
23 days countdown to extended weekend off with cam on the middle of nowhere with good music and good friends and the beginning of a month packed with long family fun weekends...

Geez...

Little bro has Court today... Add something else to the back of my mind...
I'll rant about this layer when I hit my 3rd wind I'm sure...

Seriously now...

Fuck this week already...

Here goes nothin...

Commence week... Probably a lot of bitching to come because well ... This is my forum for doing so... If you don't like it... Stop reading now...

Work

Next 2 weeks are gonna be hell... The goes nothing... Goddess please assist me with the tools it still require to get through this successfully with grace and at least a little bit of sanity when all is said and done

Unsure

Don't really know how else to describe it. I am not at all uncertain about what I want or where I want life to go... Just uneasy I suppose that creator is going to let it happen this easy if I just do my part . The hope being that the character lessons, not the least of which being the integrity piece, are truly indeed the missing link on my part and that with those firmly in check and a keen awareness of them, the rest really will fall into place. It just seems to easy. I can't help but wait for the hidden cameras, catch 22, "haha just kidding", or insurmountable 'real' challenge to pop out of the bushes. Will this ever subside? Its not paranoia or insecurity... It sends to be simple disbelief... Genuinely not even out of mistrust. It just never works out that well in my story... Sure would be cool if it does though...

Hesitation...

I hesitate to ask for much especially in terms of strengths or character traits.. the lessons often given in pride to achieve then are less than desirable... I am however eternally grateful for the work my creator has done with me in terms of forgiveness, grief, strength, perseverance, patience, and the lesson I am mindful of daily in integrity... Or as a very wise woman has put to me recently, my lesson in being deeply true to myself, my empathy, and finely in tune with my ability to feel for others deeply and act in accordance with it. Tonight I would like to bring strength to the power of courage... An ability to face the unknown or potential for unpleasantness has always been a struggle and I am certain (in the past now) my lack of integrity. I have always felt rather mouse like throughout my life... I am aware of many reasons for feeling so, none of which would be appropriate to go into at this moment. Out has always shocked me when strangers take any sort of notice... I think I have viewed myself very small for a very long time. Long have I admired my lioness like friends who seem to have the courage to take on any predator no matter how large or intimidating. Yet I feel I to often remain a mouse. This isn't to say I don't have moments however the circumstances it takes to push a mouse into the mind of a lion is immense and often far beyond that of undesirable. How unique it is to find circumstances to bring about a gentler lioness with possibilities of life altering consequences... The kind fairy tails are made of... Is it childish to believe a mouse could be worthy of such a story? One worth the story books to bring about future generations of suspense, hope, and joyful tears? Hours tiresome fear of the unknown can be when the is too anxious to simply ask for the answer... Is it sometimes easier to live in the unknown
? Oh how I ramble...

Technology

On neat! Android actually has an app for blogger! I'm definitely back in full blogging force unlike ever before! Oh what a weekend already and yet to come!...

Testing

Testing! Check it out! Sending from my phone... Be cool technology and work god damnit!

Integrity

Integrity is the word... Wow has 2012 turned out to be quite the improvement thus far. I simply lack the vanity to take full credit for this feat, I am continually surrounded by the love and encouragement of the many fantastic people my life has been blessed with. However, there is something to be said for simply figuring out how to grow up. The average person's brain does not even reach full development until approximately 27 years of age though i never imagined it would take me this long to get there. It's been a hell of a of couple years but I am pleased with where they have brought me. I could easily speak to the many regretful decisions that have added to the turbulence however without them I genuinely don't believe I would have come this far without some of those very same decisions. We are all shaped not only by our experiences, decisions, their outcomes, but by the way in which we react, learn to respond, process, and heal from those events. The last many years of anger, love, resentments, tears, grudges, loneliness, guilt, shame, pure joy, and complete loss have brought us all to these moments. These moments we have today are worth the trials that lead us here a thousand times over. The integrity piece i believe comes from an entangled combination of the many trials, simple age, and a constant strive for growth. There is an enormous sense of security in the mirror knowing that my actions are consistent from personal, to work, private, and public. This consistency has even led to feedback about drastically improved job performance. Perhaps if life begins to fall apart again in the future, i will have the piece of mind in knowing that forces are beyond my own control and that my integrity was of the highest degree...