Unsure

Don't really know how else to describe it. I am not at all uncertain about what I want or where I want life to go... Just uneasy I suppose that creator is going to let it happen this easy if I just do my part . The hope being that the character lessons, not the least of which being the integrity piece, are truly indeed the missing link on my part and that with those firmly in check and a keen awareness of them, the rest really will fall into place. It just seems to easy. I can't help but wait for the hidden cameras, catch 22, "haha just kidding", or insurmountable 'real' challenge to pop out of the bushes. Will this ever subside? Its not paranoia or insecurity... It sends to be simple disbelief... Genuinely not even out of mistrust. It just never works out that well in my story... Sure would be cool if it does though...

Hesitation...

I hesitate to ask for much especially in terms of strengths or character traits.. the lessons often given in pride to achieve then are less than desirable... I am however eternally grateful for the work my creator has done with me in terms of forgiveness, grief, strength, perseverance, patience, and the lesson I am mindful of daily in integrity... Or as a very wise woman has put to me recently, my lesson in being deeply true to myself, my empathy, and finely in tune with my ability to feel for others deeply and act in accordance with it. Tonight I would like to bring strength to the power of courage... An ability to face the unknown or potential for unpleasantness has always been a struggle and I am certain (in the past now) my lack of integrity. I have always felt rather mouse like throughout my life... I am aware of many reasons for feeling so, none of which would be appropriate to go into at this moment. Out has always shocked me when strangers take any sort of notice... I think I have viewed myself very small for a very long time. Long have I admired my lioness like friends who seem to have the courage to take on any predator no matter how large or intimidating. Yet I feel I to often remain a mouse. This isn't to say I don't have moments however the circumstances it takes to push a mouse into the mind of a lion is immense and often far beyond that of undesirable. How unique it is to find circumstances to bring about a gentler lioness with possibilities of life altering consequences... The kind fairy tails are made of... Is it childish to believe a mouse could be worthy of such a story? One worth the story books to bring about future generations of suspense, hope, and joyful tears? Hours tiresome fear of the unknown can be when the is too anxious to simply ask for the answer... Is it sometimes easier to live in the unknown
? Oh how I ramble...

Technology

On neat! Android actually has an app for blogger! I'm definitely back in full blogging force unlike ever before! Oh what a weekend already and yet to come!...

Testing

Testing! Check it out! Sending from my phone... Be cool technology and work god damnit!

Integrity

Integrity is the word... Wow has 2012 turned out to be quite the improvement thus far. I simply lack the vanity to take full credit for this feat, I am continually surrounded by the love and encouragement of the many fantastic people my life has been blessed with. However, there is something to be said for simply figuring out how to grow up. The average person's brain does not even reach full development until approximately 27 years of age though i never imagined it would take me this long to get there. It's been a hell of a of couple years but I am pleased with where they have brought me. I could easily speak to the many regretful decisions that have added to the turbulence however without them I genuinely don't believe I would have come this far without some of those very same decisions. We are all shaped not only by our experiences, decisions, their outcomes, but by the way in which we react, learn to respond, process, and heal from those events. The last many years of anger, love, resentments, tears, grudges, loneliness, guilt, shame, pure joy, and complete loss have brought us all to these moments. These moments we have today are worth the trials that lead us here a thousand times over. The integrity piece i believe comes from an entangled combination of the many trials, simple age, and a constant strive for growth. There is an enormous sense of security in the mirror knowing that my actions are consistent from personal, to work, private, and public. This consistency has even led to feedback about drastically improved job performance. Perhaps if life begins to fall apart again in the future, i will have the piece of mind in knowing that forces are beyond my own control and that my integrity was of the highest degree...

Panic...

My little Amery Bug is asking questions about dying... we are at an age i have long since been nervous in its anticipation... She understands the permanency of death but what after?!? How much of an existential conversation can one really have with a 5 year old?...

I refuse to push any one particular belief system on my children. When they are old enough to understand what a faith then i feel it is their own right to choose one. She is beginning to understand the different options (one of which she is convinced that people actually CAN just live forever) mostly the ideas of Heaven or Reincarnation.

Weird timing for such a topic. I've been avoiding this site for several days despite it being in the forefront of my mind and an itch to spill all. Death... Mourning... loss...

It starts with nervousness... almost like a tick of sorts. Nerves turn to fear punctuated by tears. Paralyzing... completely immobilizing the fear is. Completely irrationally immobilizing...

I couldn't survive loosing another one...