Crazy Busy

Today is Kai's Birthday. Time to slow down a little bit. I am at work so this will be brief but I am sure I will write a novel later this evening. Thinking about leaving work early. I though it would be good for me to be here but I am not sure there is really anywhere super helpful right now. I think I just need to go home and sleep a bit longer.

I should be packing...

Oh I have so much packing to do and yet I am sitting... with my laptop on my lap... talking to all of you. I just don't have the energy to do all day packing marathons like I always have before to get it done the 2 days before the actual move. My feet hurt, my knees ache, my back muscles pull funny, and my skin on my belly is stretching tight and beginning to hurt... I am a big whinny baby right now I know. I figure ill probably screw around another 20 minutes or so then get off my lazy butt and shove more crap in more boxes and hope that when I go to bed tonight I feel and my house looks a little more accomplished. I know I cant be up too late as I have an apt in the morning kinda early (early for not having to work). I will update everyone on how it goes and what the verdict is in regards to treatment or still good to go for another week. Hope for low blood clotting rates...

Hear my soul speak: The very instant that I saw you, did My heart fly to your service

Oh how the sun sets and rises
sweet thoughts of morning light
peaking across your peaceful face
waking to the gentle rhythm
your breath upon my neck
I cherish the lasting memory
kisses i still taste
solid as a rock
poised steady in your pace
I need the refuge of you
fixed in your enchanting gaze
innocently freeing me
from a perilously culpable mind
transcending expectations of devotion
reality not far behind
oh how i long for your skin
warm and soft near by
yearning for the closeness
feeling the blink of your eyes
to sleep soundly upon you
your chest rise and fall
drifting peacefully gently
to a place so surreal
for now i will keep you
in thoughts and dreams
a place i almost feel

In Limbo...

So I have this disorder... its not in a good place... but this last week it wasn't bad enough to go the treatment route... how the hell am i supposed to feel about that? I am relieved that I am not giving myself daily injections because I am not sure how I could handle that. But I really don't feel any better about all of this. All it was done is make me overly paranoid about making sure I am taking my baby asprin every day (i would take it more if i thought it would help and they would let me but i figure they have me on low dosage for a reason).

With the packing, my current job coming to an end, and getting ready to start a new one in my hometown where i haven't lived for over 5 years... the anxiety is pretty thick. To be honest, all I want is to be able to come home and have a beer... but no.

I can't help but to just want him in my arms now. I don't want to wait, if i could have him in my arms now (putting aside he is still too little but full term and in my arms) then i could keep my body from screwing things up. The doctors keep saying "oh he looks great" "its just something with your body that doesn't want to fully cooperate" yeah i get it... that's exactly why we lost Kai. He was fine up until the point where my body gave birth to him and he was too little for that. So when the doctors say that... doesn't really make me feel any better.

I need to call OHSU tomorrow to schedule an appointment with whoever my new doctor will be. I have complete faith in those doctors as I have worked with them before and they are fantastic but switching my care at 22-23 weeks along a scary kinda risky pregnancy doesn't help all of how I am feeling right now. Every one does agree though that OHSU is probably the best place I could be. It is the place they send people when no one else has the answers. They have a special unit specifically for higher risk pregnancies and labors that is literally right between OHSU and Doernbechers. They, I know, are equiped to handle anything that could possibly go wrong. Even though the hospital I hated here moved to a "new location" and is all "new" i know its the same staff and thats who i had a problem with when I was hospitalied with Kai. Even though it is a "new" hospital, I don't know that I can trust it after all that happened before.

OH... so is life...

Just perfect...

I was pretty convinced I was going in to the doctor to be told I was anemic... or had a potassium deficiency and they were going to put me on yet another vitamin. Oh how I wish that was the case.

A genetic Thrombophilia disorder... who woulda thought. This is crap. This means not only that there was a reason I lost Kai (nice to have an answer yes) but there is a reason why I could lose another one. Or why I could have problems in the future.

How did I get so lucky the first time? Everyone said how textbook of a pregnancy and labor Amery was... couldn't have possibly gone any better.

I think I was too taken back by the news to ask all the questions I feel i should have asked...

Now I just feel really in the dark, although one answer was given it opened the door to 1,000 more questions. There is a deepening pit of anxiety sitting back behind my stomach and instead of feeling better by being fed one answer to a big question, it just gained a bigger appetite. Ugh... I kinda feel sick.

Thursday's appointment can't come fast enough.

the wonderful duty of public service....

everyone who comes through the door and calls on the phone, expects you to help them carry the weight of their problems. This is in fact, kind of my job. Although it is more along the lines of giving them the tools to carry and lighten their burdens. However it is inevitable that some of this weight gets carried home on my tired sore ass back bit by bit every day, some more so than others. Burnout in this field is ridiculous and i get it. Sometimes I am so damn tired of carrying around my own issues amongst the issues of my clients that I come home and just don't give a shit about anything anyone else has to say. This is no fault to me (other than choosing this line of work) or to my loved ones that sometimes feel the icy cold of my lack of concern for them following a tough day at work. I really do care, sometimes my tank is just empty for the day and until time fills it back up, I just can't do much about it.

Why is it...

that you are so god damn difficult to talk to? Why do i hate confrontation with you over anyone else in the entire world? Is it because i feel so crappy about it afterwards? Like i just never win? I just don't know what to do with this anymore. The most obvious easy conversation become daunting due to my struggle to just feel heard and respected. When and how did it get so hard? It wasn't always like this. I know it wasn't what either of us signed up for. When did the words we used to communicated so sweetly and effectively slip away? When did ALL the words slip away? I find myself even at a loss to describe my feelings around all this due to how little words seem to surround the situation. There just seems to be so many things that are so much more important than conversation these days. I feel out of the loop, off of the list... and its very tiring...

Written back in May, just revisited

Sitting at the edge of a continent
The horizon never ending
Waves wash steadily in and out
Tide rising and falling
Cold murky water saturated in salt
One can taste
Leaving gentle sticky residue on ones hair and skin
A gentle reminder of where they have been

A great ball of warmth
Rising over a sweet chilly morning dew
The songs chirped merrily among the trees
Gentle reminders
Gentle reality
That of a well made counterfeit token
Cashed in for contentment
When only you know it was a dishonest purchase

Night falls and the stars begin to twinkle
Oh how I wonder what you are
An uneasy peace
I am comforted by the never-ending of nothing
I prayed and received no answer
I believed in faith
But received no recognition
An empty sky is all I am left to look up to

Amongst a bustling city
Full of life and prosperity
A room full of joyous loved ones
On ever so celebrated occasions
I sit, Smile, Nod
Produce all the right answers
To all their ever so wrong questions
My sadness is discomforting
Although barely detectable

As the waves continue to crash
Forever eroding away the helpless shoreline
The sun rises
Just to fall before the day is done
Stars shine brightly
Only to be masked by city lights or dreary rain clouds
Day comes after day
Loved ones try to forget

My sweet child
I don't know where you are
I don't know when we will meet
But mommy is here
My grief is too painful still
I am not sure sometime how to go on
Your life was not lived
Your soul was not ready

Children are not ours to possess
Their souls are lent to us for safekeeping
Then, someday
The earth reclaims them
To start a new
I don't know why you weren't ready
Perhaps neither we're we
Someday, somewhere, we will meet again

Until then… Kai…

I will remember you in the ocean
Flowing gently and briefly into my life
I will remember you in the sun
Lighting our tears with the morning dew
I will remember you in the stars
Keeping me company through the darkness
I will remember you in a crowded room
So that your memory will live forever

A begining of what... I don't know

AHHHHHH! Finally a space to vent and type aimlessly without feeling like I have to stick to just the kids! This is really more for me than anyone else however you are always welcome to take a look inside my head and comment if you feel the need.

I got my Share Newsletter today. Its an 8-10 page booklet put out by a pregnancy/infant loss support group. In it they talk about fundraiser events, support resources, along with poems and stories shared by members. I don' think its comes quite monthly as it always seems to come about the time i forget about it.

Anyways, it strikes up a lot from somewhere deep in me anytime it shows up. I thought once or twice about requesting to be taken off the list even though it really is a good newsletter; I always seem to have a much more difficult day when it comes. I know though that all of this emotion is not a bad thing. In fact I am sure it is healing to read through other peoples stories and writings to reaffirm that I am not alone in these experiences. It never fails, there is always one good one that by the time I get a few lines into it, I can no longer see through my tears to read.

As a result of today's tearful reading I came across a woman who makes and sells loss memorabilia such as ribbons and bracelets (like the livestrong one but for infant loss) and scrapbook items. (which is brilliant seeing as "new baby" and "babys first steps" dont really work to try and put together an album of ultrasounds and lifeless pictures of a child whose life was so very short and deprived of such things) I think when I get paid I might order a few, she sells them at a VERY reasonable price.

There also was a story that ended and referred to a blog here on blogspot. After searching around I found a ton of Blogs written by mothers with similar experiences. There is a really weird awkward peace to reading about someone else's struggles with such loss. Its pain I would never wish upon anyone however with it being such a difficult topic for anyone to really discuss with me, it puts my mind at ease to read my thoughts coming out through another who has been there too.

That's really what was on my mind for now. It feels good to get it all out. I am tired but a little too overwhelmed by life right now to sleep. Perhaps this will help.