So I have this disorder... its not in a good place... but this last week it wasn't bad enough to go the treatment route... how the hell am i supposed to feel about that? I am relieved that I am not giving myself daily injections because I am not sure how I could handle that. But I really don't feel any better about all of this. All it was done is make me overly paranoid about making sure I am taking my baby asprin every day (i would take it more if i thought it would help and they would let me but i figure they have me on low dosage for a reason).
With the packing, my current job coming to an end, and getting ready to start a new one in my hometown where i haven't lived for over 5 years... the anxiety is pretty thick. To be honest, all I want is to be able to come home and have a beer... but no.
I can't help but to just want him in my arms now. I don't want to wait, if i could have him in my arms now (putting aside he is still too little but full term and in my arms) then i could keep my body from screwing things up. The doctors keep saying "oh he looks great" "its just something with your body that doesn't want to fully cooperate" yeah i get it... that's exactly why we lost Kai. He was fine up until the point where my body gave birth to him and he was too little for that. So when the doctors say that... doesn't really make me feel any better.
I need to call OHSU tomorrow to schedule an appointment with whoever my new doctor will be. I have complete faith in those doctors as I have worked with them before and they are fantastic but switching my care at 22-23 weeks along a scary kinda risky pregnancy doesn't help all of how I am feeling right now. Every one does agree though that OHSU is probably the best place I could be. It is the place they send people when no one else has the answers. They have a special unit specifically for higher risk pregnancies and labors that is literally right between OHSU and Doernbechers. They, I know, are equiped to handle anything that could possibly go wrong. Even though the hospital I hated here moved to a "new location" and is all "new" i know its the same staff and thats who i had a problem with when I was hospitalied with Kai. Even though it is a "new" hospital, I don't know that I can trust it after all that happened before.
OH... so is life...
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I decided to blog today....
10 years ago
2 comments:
I have to take insulin shots, so believe me I know the anxiety of giving yourself any kind of injection. I am very anti-needle, anti blood taking, it makes me panic. Starting the shots was easier than having to keep up with them after I was used to it. I know it's for the best of the baby so I do it, but it comes along with so much WHY ME!?!?! Why are we the ones going through this? It sucks! But we are getting closer and closer...I think until I am past 24 weeks the pain and being scared will prob be the worst. But we have angels watching for these babies :) And I too had to change doctors, it sucked but I am happier now!
I don't know that I will be having to take the injections yet... were taking it week by week and last week my levels were down a bit. If they are up when i get my results tomorrow then they will put me on them. Thank you for the support. I too will feel MUCH better when I reach the 24-26 week range. Our first big goal is Halloween cause that will put me at 27 weeks.
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