Unsure

Don't really know how else to describe it. I am not at all uncertain about what I want or where I want life to go... Just uneasy I suppose that creator is going to let it happen this easy if I just do my part . The hope being that the character lessons, not the least of which being the integrity piece, are truly indeed the missing link on my part and that with those firmly in check and a keen awareness of them, the rest really will fall into place. It just seems to easy. I can't help but wait for the hidden cameras, catch 22, "haha just kidding", or insurmountable 'real' challenge to pop out of the bushes. Will this ever subside? Its not paranoia or insecurity... It sends to be simple disbelief... Genuinely not even out of mistrust. It just never works out that well in my story... Sure would be cool if it does though...

Hesitation...

I hesitate to ask for much especially in terms of strengths or character traits.. the lessons often given in pride to achieve then are less than desirable... I am however eternally grateful for the work my creator has done with me in terms of forgiveness, grief, strength, perseverance, patience, and the lesson I am mindful of daily in integrity... Or as a very wise woman has put to me recently, my lesson in being deeply true to myself, my empathy, and finely in tune with my ability to feel for others deeply and act in accordance with it. Tonight I would like to bring strength to the power of courage... An ability to face the unknown or potential for unpleasantness has always been a struggle and I am certain (in the past now) my lack of integrity. I have always felt rather mouse like throughout my life... I am aware of many reasons for feeling so, none of which would be appropriate to go into at this moment. Out has always shocked me when strangers take any sort of notice... I think I have viewed myself very small for a very long time. Long have I admired my lioness like friends who seem to have the courage to take on any predator no matter how large or intimidating. Yet I feel I to often remain a mouse. This isn't to say I don't have moments however the circumstances it takes to push a mouse into the mind of a lion is immense and often far beyond that of undesirable. How unique it is to find circumstances to bring about a gentler lioness with possibilities of life altering consequences... The kind fairy tails are made of... Is it childish to believe a mouse could be worthy of such a story? One worth the story books to bring about future generations of suspense, hope, and joyful tears? Hours tiresome fear of the unknown can be when the is too anxious to simply ask for the answer... Is it sometimes easier to live in the unknown
? Oh how I ramble...

Technology

On neat! Android actually has an app for blogger! I'm definitely back in full blogging force unlike ever before! Oh what a weekend already and yet to come!...

Testing

Testing! Check it out! Sending from my phone... Be cool technology and work god damnit!

Integrity

Integrity is the word... Wow has 2012 turned out to be quite the improvement thus far. I simply lack the vanity to take full credit for this feat, I am continually surrounded by the love and encouragement of the many fantastic people my life has been blessed with. However, there is something to be said for simply figuring out how to grow up. The average person's brain does not even reach full development until approximately 27 years of age though i never imagined it would take me this long to get there. It's been a hell of a of couple years but I am pleased with where they have brought me. I could easily speak to the many regretful decisions that have added to the turbulence however without them I genuinely don't believe I would have come this far without some of those very same decisions. We are all shaped not only by our experiences, decisions, their outcomes, but by the way in which we react, learn to respond, process, and heal from those events. The last many years of anger, love, resentments, tears, grudges, loneliness, guilt, shame, pure joy, and complete loss have brought us all to these moments. These moments we have today are worth the trials that lead us here a thousand times over. The integrity piece i believe comes from an entangled combination of the many trials, simple age, and a constant strive for growth. There is an enormous sense of security in the mirror knowing that my actions are consistent from personal, to work, private, and public. This consistency has even led to feedback about drastically improved job performance. Perhaps if life begins to fall apart again in the future, i will have the piece of mind in knowing that forces are beyond my own control and that my integrity was of the highest degree...

Panic...

My little Amery Bug is asking questions about dying... we are at an age i have long since been nervous in its anticipation... She understands the permanency of death but what after?!? How much of an existential conversation can one really have with a 5 year old?...

I refuse to push any one particular belief system on my children. When they are old enough to understand what a faith then i feel it is their own right to choose one. She is beginning to understand the different options (one of which she is convinced that people actually CAN just live forever) mostly the ideas of Heaven or Reincarnation.

Weird timing for such a topic. I've been avoiding this site for several days despite it being in the forefront of my mind and an itch to spill all. Death... Mourning... loss...

It starts with nervousness... almost like a tick of sorts. Nerves turn to fear punctuated by tears. Paralyzing... completely immobilizing the fear is. Completely irrationally immobilizing...

I couldn't survive loosing another one...

Yuck

Trying to exhale without screaming....

Lost for any intelligible words today....

Hopefully I can hide in my dark cave and pound out some paperwork between episodes of caffeine shakes and nicotine jitters. Too much spinning in my head lately to make much sense of everything. The world needs to slow down for a day or two... maybe even a couple hours. Where is the pause or mute button? I need new ink, I think that would calm me down. Or even some old ink finished or touched up would do. Winning lottery ticket anyone? Or any good artists wanna work pro-bono for the small gratification of keeping my world a more sane place at least temporarily? I am a VERY loyal customer :)

I don't think this day is going to move very quickly...

Snow at 1 am

I don't know what sparks these sudden urgent needs to write it just sort of hit... hard. Perhaps it is the complete black out of all that is while driving at 1am through snowy winter weather watch sort of conditions, similar to that it takes to spin flaming wicks at the end of 3 foot chains dancing around ones head. Maybe it was the couple at the grocery store getting weeks worth of food with their food stamps in front of me. Both obviously with some slight delays however no doubt on the high functioning side. Something about the mans gentleness with her and his casual joking comments about Winco getting another checker out soon so I wasn't stuck behind him until next Tuesday. Perhaps it was the soda he put back so she could get a few of her luxury items since both could not be afforded. Quiet, sweet, simple, clear, and uncomplicated. He took the cart and made it a point to open the van door for her. Both unloaded the cart quickly. Envy. returning home with the same focus only slightly more on edge after turning sideways a few times, focused on my best winter driving abilities and the blaring sound of Nickelback I can only clearly hear through my left ear. Returning home to check on the little ones only to find one wet the bed. Something is sometimes very grounding about a clear mind running into the motherly domestic duties of waking a 4 year old to clean her, redress her in warm clothes, changing bedding (being ever so careful to check each of the 40+ items including blankets, pillows, dolls, and stuffed animals to be sure nothing tht doesn't have to be washed isn't removed from her bed), and then tucking her snuggly back in bed only aft r pointing out the fresh blanket of snow iwth the prospect of making snow men in the morning. I can rejoice in moments of such semblance of sanity. Only to be hit further home after 20 minutes of quiet by a heart jerking cry of another one woken up from a bad dream. No sleeping alone tonight. Somehow I am not hesitant tonight or disrupted in any way by the inevitable foot in my neck that I can expect within an hour or so, waking me from my first taste of restful sleep that should have been found hours ago.... Hopefully it continues to snow enough for a snow day tomorrow. I think we are in a good space for it, sleep or not.

Lying

Quotes about lying... it's always facinating to see what sor tof quotes the internet can find on particular topics... food for thought for a later post i am sure....

“The truth is always an insult or a joke, lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyones comfort" - Arturo Binewski.”
― Katherine Dunn

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”

― Cheryl Hughes

“Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love.”

― Bonnie Eaker Weil

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”

― Eddie Izzard
(ok this one was just for fun because Eddie Izzard is my personal hero)

“But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. It can't last.”

― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

“It's not lying when you do it to officers!”

― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
(HAHAHAHA! Agreed! Its self preservation!)

“Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth.”

― David Mitchell, Ghostwritten
 
“We need falsifications to make the past inhabitable.”

― Frans Kellendonk

“The wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling.”

― Mark Twain

“You think it’s because they’re lying? Nonsense! I like it when people lie! Lying is man’s only privilege over all other organisms. If you lie--you get to the truth! Lying is what makes me a man. Not one truth has ever been reached without first lying fourteen times or so, maybe a hundred and fourteen, and that’s honorable in its way; well, but we can’t even lie with our own minds! Lie to me, but in your own way, and I’ll kiss you for it. Lying in one’s own way is almost better than telling the truth in someone else’s way; in the first case you’re a man, and in the second—no better than a bird! The truth won’t go away, but life can be nailed shut; there are examples. Well, so where are we all now? With regard to science, development, thought, invention, ideals, aspirations, liberalism, reason, experience, and everything, everything, everything, we’re all, without exception, still sitting in the first grade! We like getting by on other people’s reason--we’ve acquired a taste for it! Right? Am I right?”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky
(read a lot of Dostoyevsky in college, forgot how much i like his writing and how it forces one to really think... weather you agree with the content or not.)


Weird stuff to ponder... I like therapy.

Shut up I know its Beyonce!

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

A Letter in Crisis

Dear Parents,

Stop GIVING UP ON YOUR KIDS! Seriously!?!?! I get it, they're more than two handfuls, and they are disrespectful, they run away, they're destructive, really I get it i promise... THEY ARE YOUR FUCKING KIDS! It shouldn't matter! YOU DON'T GIVE UP ON 12 AND 13 YEAR OLDS! You don't write offa  16 year old! Don't your remember what its like to be that age? Maybe its easier for me because it wasn't as long ago as it was for you  but guess what... THEYRE WRECKLESS! THEIR BRAINS AREN'T EVEN FULLY DEVELOPED! If you don't hang in there how can anyone else ever be expected to? If as parents, your suppose to be the one stabilizing rock And guess what?!?!? They didn't get that way themselves! YOU MADE THEM! SUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Concerned and appalled me

Easy Does it...

Today's Step: Breath!... cut back on the Nicotine, my body really likes fresh air...

Today's Hope: To stay sane.

Today's Fear: The unknown of where my path to self-discovery and healing will lead.

Today's Quote: "Is this the trench you are willing to die in?"

Yesterday was amazing. Really asked Creator why I am where I am and thought hard about how my personal journey is tied in with my workplace at the moment. Teared up in front of everyone thinking so hard. That says to me I am thinking in the right direction and my answer was not simply regurgitation of some predetermned cookie cutter response. I am surounded by strong women who are the embodiment of reiliance and feminine power. I agreed that we were all called together for a purpose, professionally, spiritually, and personally. I look to them as my daily teachers and don't believe they have any concept of how hard I listen to their words and stories. I am eternally grateful. Learning to walk my talk. A lot of battles that have been a long time coming and Demons at their strongest that are ready to be faced. Tearing every last skeleton out of the closet and going to put them to rest finally one by one. No idea how thats going to work or how long it will take. My children deserve me to be healthy in the entirty of the word. I deserve it. Confronting oneself is more difficult than confronting others, though both need to happen. I am not looking for answers, backstory, why, how when, who, what, where, and for how long. I don't honestly give 2 shits abou the details. I am a conceptual person, one of principals. I have the ability to have firm morals and not allow any elacticity in them. I hope the same for others. I hope that my personal journey and growth can be matched by those around me. Not in an expectation sort of way, but for the sake of the relationships, for the sake of progress, for the sake of sanity. I really have no idea if this is possible, I have to believe it is otherwise I am destined to loose some of my battles that are worth fighting for. Very few trenches am I willing to sacrifice everything for. My children and my own being are at the top of that list. Without those, I can not serve any other cause. I have decided today to stop giving a shit about other's judgments. I will take advice, I will listen, be open to lessons, but anyone who has a personal opinion on my life, my actions, my choices, positive or negative, is more than welcome to give it however I am going to put more strenght into my belief that "Hey! This is me... not perfect by any slight of the word, quite flawed, quite human, and working on it... if you don't like it, fuck off. Worry about your own Journey."

A very wise woman said something to our group yesterday. I will try and repeat it best I can though I am sure not half as eloquent as she did:

Many of you keep wondering when your going to get to live the life you thought you were suppose to have. This is it. This is the life you were meant to have. You were short changed, screwed over, but this is it. You can choose to ask why. Or you can say "Isn't this funny, that I am here, and that this is happeneing to me? What does that say to me that this is where I am?..." And what are you going to do about it?...

RIP Grandma

16 years ago today we lowered you into the ground. Your wisdom and love is greatly missed however may we never forget the lessons you left behind and not let your trials and triumphs ever be in vein...

Today

Today's step: Shower... remember to take a hot shower... Its really important to wash off the day

I am not sure what happened or where this all started or how to fix it. What a mess. Ugh... I have a lot to pour out but I am too tired tonight and feel that I need to sleep more than I need to pour. Here is to hoping a successful Z catch. If only there were more time...

Its official

I suck at committing to an online blog... IN MY DEFENSE!... I did not have internet access at home for several years (ok so I have now since like December) BUT!... Im back, I need my outlet before I go stark raving mad. Beware...