Cats outta the bag

Really mixed emotions right now. Will write about it tomorrow once it all sinks in and I have a real keyboard...

To reformat or not to reformat, that is the question

So... I have been on blogger for a LONG time... several years (I go for long negligent periods where i let it wither). Blogger now has all sorts of fun new templates that they didn't have before. All they had when i started was a number of different "looks" to it (themes). Really debating if i want to remain die hard to the original simple version now before you or if i want to get creative and fun. Hmmm...

Al, if i do change it, your blog is my inspiration!  The Hippies Lied To Me

Dampening

SOOOOOOOOO MUCH THAT NEEDS MY FOCUS!!!!

Wake up. Fully energized. Coffee, smoke, kids off to school, meeting....Still goin. Crap at work. Impossibilities of heart tugging job. Wash it away as I leave the office. Get the kids. Smiling faces and kisses on the cheek. My life preservers in the turbulence. Grab a late evening cup of coffee. Still energized for a long night ahead of productivity to school auction duties, house cleaning, and some attention to my thoughts. Singing in the car with the kids to rediculous radio songs for 20 minutes all the way to the driveway. Its dark way too early. Porch light is off, house is at least warm. Flip the light on. Usher children inside and retrieve armloads of the days things from the car. Let the dog out. Gets kids in pjs. Sit on the couch and completely deflated...
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No energy. No spark. Damn near impossible to complete the simplest of tasks. Flooded with emotion that blurs my vision. Love this home. Love arriving at it with mini me's in tow. Love this pup. So. Much. To. Do. And. I. Can't. Clear. My. Head. Enough. To. Get. Off. The. Couch....

Can I go here?!?!?! (EDITED)

My Future Home

Actually... here!


Might as well go big huh? Love it all the way down to the bathrooms... now for 7-8 digits...

Gratitude i guess is where i begin tonight

I am truly at a loss. I don't know where to start. I have several pieces I have begun and not finished enough to even post on a stupid blog with sporadic readers at best. So tonight, I simplify my thoughts down to most basic of gracious gestures...

My beautiful intelligent amazing children, my supportive family, my loyal pup, my comfortable safe home, my team of amazing women (and now a few men) coworkers who walk through the shadowy underworld every day in an attempt to help a few lost souls.  My families that are forever my greatest teachers and heroes in their strength and perseverance.  My country that for the first time appears to be willing to choose hope for a more equal future, my relationships, present and past, for all the lessons about life, love, loss, and most of all about myself.  My running water, the heat from my vents, my lights in dark winter nights, even my freakin internet to keep me sanity and company when those winter nights are sleepless.  My car that has persevered through my constant long distant abuse and ridicule and continues to carry my family from destination to destination safely.  My amazing friends whom, though we all live very separate and busy lives, are faithfully at my side when the need arises. My health, my vision, my hearing, the acuteness of all of my senses.  My sanity though sometimes it may feel in question it remains with me on the most basic levels.  Freedom to write, think, feel, and choose my own direction in life. The freedom, sobriety, and stability of those around me that i love dearly and admire their fight and struggle every day. I am grateful for the reminders in the universe, the little signals that i am headed in either the right or wrong direction that also signify a strengthening bond between myself and the higher energy i am connected with. My sleep when it decides to agree with me and even when it doesn't my sleeplessness often lends me insight to what needs more attention in my personal universe....


I am sure more hashing out of shit in my head to come.

The Secret & The Moses Code...

Notes to self from over a year ago...

Some stuff to contemplate here...

Law of attraction
Gratitude

Ask
Actualize
Envision having it and gratitude - feel it

Connectedness

Oneness

life we live being sufficient for the purpose we are being called for

the giving of ourselves

called to a greater degree of serving human kind, your family, those you come in contact with

wired so that you know you are on track with the aliveness you feel

28

28 Pageviews!?!?!

I hope ya'll read my disclaimer... im sure its somewhere on here. This is my "In my head ranting" space. I appreciate it is actually getting looked at though i take into no consideration whatsoever who may read this so be kind and take it all with a grain of salt. Shit... if i keep getting ANY kind of traffic i may actually have to write more than once or twice here and there. This crap usually goes months with maybe 1 or 2 random pageviews from germany or something...

I wont live or die that way....

Stuck in my head...

"You say your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
you say your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go now, let go you tears some more

How many times have you asked yourself
is this the hand of fate that i've been dealt?
you're so disillusioned this can't be real
and you cant stand now the way you feel

I don't care about what they say
i wont live or die that way
tired of figuring things on my own
angels wings wont you carry me home

and when your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go your tears some more


and when your down on your luck
hey baby, its a long, long way up
hold back now, hold back your fears
and when your really down and out
and you feel like theres no way out now
let go your tears some more

I triumphed in the face of adversity
and i became the man i never thought id be
and now my biggest challenge, a thing called love
i guess im not as tough as i thought i was

I dont care about what they say
Im gonna marry you some day
go ahead and wake up, its a brand new day
Angels wings gonna carry you away
Angels wings gonna carry me away
Angels wings gonna carry us away..."

Cant get it the fuck out of my head... at least its a good one...

Betrayal

Saw an interesting piece on betrayal a bit ago... It seemd to be a funny thing. All too many seem to get so wrapped up in the idea that life has somehow betrayed them and I watch it consuming those around me. Some of it is seen far off in the horizon that we choose ever so carefully to ignore. Others come out of the dark foggy 3am mist and slam us against the wall like a freight train. Betrayal of friends, acquaintances, material objects, drugs, thoughts, ideas, notions, love, vehicles,
those distant and those sitting next to us...

Play nice Thursday

<p>No antidepressants this year, no xanex or self prescribed numbing agents, its all pretty raw. I keep so busy all year long to save my children from my own fear and anxiety and It's all to eager propensity to become consuming. Then one time a yeae we must force ourselves to slow down and just grieve. This year it feels as if the years angst has all been saved up for the last few weeks and October 1st it sends the floodgates open. Its funny how I know to expect this and yet somehow at my absolute bitchiest come the 3rd or the 4th the realization hits like a brick in the face. I've come to notice that now than grieving the kids these days is managing the fear. Complete, paralyzing, irrational, overwhelming, awful fear. There is a piece of someone that is taken out with any loss and I won't begin to compare holes with anyone else's heartache but there seems to be a unique grief to holding a still son incapable of opening his eyes and taking a breath, still warm, yet so lifeless and only moments before caused internal pitter patters in my abdomen that creates a memory so deeply seared in ones heart it is incapable of finding words. Pain that is not documented by a birth or death certificate. Pain of a life that was only real for me. Even more gripping is the fear... The kind of fear that makes it difficult to drop your child off at school or let them leave, even when it's  with family, for the weekend. The kind of fear that makes a carseat, sturdy vehicle, and the most careful of defensive driving not enough. Fear that compulsively makes you climb out of bed to check on them in the middle of the night not once, twice, but three times. Your memory is my greatest teacher. Not a single breath is taken for granted and every hug is gold. And for the safekeeping of that, every night I tuck you snugly into bed, sing you a lullaby, let the dog inside, check on the rifle in the closet, and deadbolt the front and back doors before fighting for a restless sleep.

Struggling

To keep my feet on the ground and head in the game... Really wanting to check out and ignore it all...

Beat...

With a baseball bat... Or so I feel... Is this just getting old? Im not old enough to be this sore at the end of a day I didn't do anything exceptionally rigorous... Wtf?!?!

Love

Interesting meditation the other day... Curious where those that where a part of it perceive me on the spectrum. Will have to find it and post, really should stop caring how others perceive me. Even when my integrity is true though some don't seem to get the genuine me... Damned I do, damned if I don't

Feeling needy...

Not sure why
Just going to go to bed
Going to miss the hell out of you this weekend
wish we were going together
Or staying together
Family obligations
I'll secretly be jealous
Though it was me that choose to stay
Wish you looked at me when I was talking to you
I know you have been telling other people were distant
I'm right here
I'm not going astray
Seems I have a lot of conversations
With myself lately
Wish your thoughts were more clear
We could snuggle to a movie
Like not so very long ago
Put all the electronics away
I see you
I hear you
I'm with you...

Turbulance

Oh what times these are...

Doing what I can to pull my head together. So much that requires my focus which seems virtually non existent by the time the kids are in bed.

It has been a great summer, I have felt like my family has spent quality time together unlike we really ever have. One Uncle is back around which is refreshing and inspiring and the other is locked up leaving behind an ugly sense of relief for all those involved... How young is too young to start telling the kids the truth? I know 3 and 5 aren't it but when???  I resent being forced to lie to my children and I won't make excuses for a missed Christmas or Birthday... This sucks...

We are all here for something... i don't believe many of us figure it out, the fortunate ones do i suppose. Perhaps we even choose the people in our lives before we get here. It is all bigger than our our jobs, the individual people in our lives, our children... though they may be a part of it... it is much bigger. Perhaps it is something we did learn or screwed up in our last life... something we need to make amends for, a value we need to learn, a wrong we need to wright, another life even that we perhaps needs to intervene on, or a combination of many... Every obstacle, challenge, an opportunity pushed in front of us to steer onto the path we are here to be on...

I think I am figuring out mine... I'm very sad when those i love get lost and can not find theirs... I am very thankful for those that have stuck by me in the process of all of this and continue to stick by me through my grieving...

Bitch at the grocery store...

I've worked 14 days, with 5 to go, hardly had time to see my kids, I'm sick, I'm broke and can't begin to afford half the groceries we need, I'm tired, and here comes you with your obnoxious little tyrants and cart overflowing of shit food who has the nerve to cut in front of me and 4 other people in the self check out line... All I want to do is go home and have dinner with my family and not sneeze on your kids... LOOK THE FUCK AROUND SKANK YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE!!!!

The numbers...

19 day stretch without a day off from working
9 days into said stretch
2 simultaneous federal site audits
1 audit complete today
4 client families that need and deserve my time this week that i unfortunately won't be able to provide
169.5 approx hours worked at end of said stretch
4 hours sleep nightly average
3 to 6 various size cups of coffee average per day
800 + estimated miles during above named work stretch
2 amazing kids that I miss dearly and we the world to for all the time that has been taken away from them
23 days countdown to extended weekend off with cam on the middle of nowhere with good music and good friends and the beginning of a month packed with long family fun weekends...

Geez...

Little bro has Court today... Add something else to the back of my mind...
I'll rant about this layer when I hit my 3rd wind I'm sure...

Seriously now...

Fuck this week already...

Here goes nothin...

Commence week... Probably a lot of bitching to come because well ... This is my forum for doing so... If you don't like it... Stop reading now...

Work

Next 2 weeks are gonna be hell... The goes nothing... Goddess please assist me with the tools it still require to get through this successfully with grace and at least a little bit of sanity when all is said and done

Unsure

Don't really know how else to describe it. I am not at all uncertain about what I want or where I want life to go... Just uneasy I suppose that creator is going to let it happen this easy if I just do my part . The hope being that the character lessons, not the least of which being the integrity piece, are truly indeed the missing link on my part and that with those firmly in check and a keen awareness of them, the rest really will fall into place. It just seems to easy. I can't help but wait for the hidden cameras, catch 22, "haha just kidding", or insurmountable 'real' challenge to pop out of the bushes. Will this ever subside? Its not paranoia or insecurity... It sends to be simple disbelief... Genuinely not even out of mistrust. It just never works out that well in my story... Sure would be cool if it does though...

Hesitation...

I hesitate to ask for much especially in terms of strengths or character traits.. the lessons often given in pride to achieve then are less than desirable... I am however eternally grateful for the work my creator has done with me in terms of forgiveness, grief, strength, perseverance, patience, and the lesson I am mindful of daily in integrity... Or as a very wise woman has put to me recently, my lesson in being deeply true to myself, my empathy, and finely in tune with my ability to feel for others deeply and act in accordance with it. Tonight I would like to bring strength to the power of courage... An ability to face the unknown or potential for unpleasantness has always been a struggle and I am certain (in the past now) my lack of integrity. I have always felt rather mouse like throughout my life... I am aware of many reasons for feeling so, none of which would be appropriate to go into at this moment. Out has always shocked me when strangers take any sort of notice... I think I have viewed myself very small for a very long time. Long have I admired my lioness like friends who seem to have the courage to take on any predator no matter how large or intimidating. Yet I feel I to often remain a mouse. This isn't to say I don't have moments however the circumstances it takes to push a mouse into the mind of a lion is immense and often far beyond that of undesirable. How unique it is to find circumstances to bring about a gentler lioness with possibilities of life altering consequences... The kind fairy tails are made of... Is it childish to believe a mouse could be worthy of such a story? One worth the story books to bring about future generations of suspense, hope, and joyful tears? Hours tiresome fear of the unknown can be when the is too anxious to simply ask for the answer... Is it sometimes easier to live in the unknown
? Oh how I ramble...

Technology

On neat! Android actually has an app for blogger! I'm definitely back in full blogging force unlike ever before! Oh what a weekend already and yet to come!...

Testing

Testing! Check it out! Sending from my phone... Be cool technology and work god damnit!

Integrity

Integrity is the word... Wow has 2012 turned out to be quite the improvement thus far. I simply lack the vanity to take full credit for this feat, I am continually surrounded by the love and encouragement of the many fantastic people my life has been blessed with. However, there is something to be said for simply figuring out how to grow up. The average person's brain does not even reach full development until approximately 27 years of age though i never imagined it would take me this long to get there. It's been a hell of a of couple years but I am pleased with where they have brought me. I could easily speak to the many regretful decisions that have added to the turbulence however without them I genuinely don't believe I would have come this far without some of those very same decisions. We are all shaped not only by our experiences, decisions, their outcomes, but by the way in which we react, learn to respond, process, and heal from those events. The last many years of anger, love, resentments, tears, grudges, loneliness, guilt, shame, pure joy, and complete loss have brought us all to these moments. These moments we have today are worth the trials that lead us here a thousand times over. The integrity piece i believe comes from an entangled combination of the many trials, simple age, and a constant strive for growth. There is an enormous sense of security in the mirror knowing that my actions are consistent from personal, to work, private, and public. This consistency has even led to feedback about drastically improved job performance. Perhaps if life begins to fall apart again in the future, i will have the piece of mind in knowing that forces are beyond my own control and that my integrity was of the highest degree...

Panic...

My little Amery Bug is asking questions about dying... we are at an age i have long since been nervous in its anticipation... She understands the permanency of death but what after?!? How much of an existential conversation can one really have with a 5 year old?...

I refuse to push any one particular belief system on my children. When they are old enough to understand what a faith then i feel it is their own right to choose one. She is beginning to understand the different options (one of which she is convinced that people actually CAN just live forever) mostly the ideas of Heaven or Reincarnation.

Weird timing for such a topic. I've been avoiding this site for several days despite it being in the forefront of my mind and an itch to spill all. Death... Mourning... loss...

It starts with nervousness... almost like a tick of sorts. Nerves turn to fear punctuated by tears. Paralyzing... completely immobilizing the fear is. Completely irrationally immobilizing...

I couldn't survive loosing another one...

Yuck

Trying to exhale without screaming....

Lost for any intelligible words today....

Hopefully I can hide in my dark cave and pound out some paperwork between episodes of caffeine shakes and nicotine jitters. Too much spinning in my head lately to make much sense of everything. The world needs to slow down for a day or two... maybe even a couple hours. Where is the pause or mute button? I need new ink, I think that would calm me down. Or even some old ink finished or touched up would do. Winning lottery ticket anyone? Or any good artists wanna work pro-bono for the small gratification of keeping my world a more sane place at least temporarily? I am a VERY loyal customer :)

I don't think this day is going to move very quickly...

Snow at 1 am

I don't know what sparks these sudden urgent needs to write it just sort of hit... hard. Perhaps it is the complete black out of all that is while driving at 1am through snowy winter weather watch sort of conditions, similar to that it takes to spin flaming wicks at the end of 3 foot chains dancing around ones head. Maybe it was the couple at the grocery store getting weeks worth of food with their food stamps in front of me. Both obviously with some slight delays however no doubt on the high functioning side. Something about the mans gentleness with her and his casual joking comments about Winco getting another checker out soon so I wasn't stuck behind him until next Tuesday. Perhaps it was the soda he put back so she could get a few of her luxury items since both could not be afforded. Quiet, sweet, simple, clear, and uncomplicated. He took the cart and made it a point to open the van door for her. Both unloaded the cart quickly. Envy. returning home with the same focus only slightly more on edge after turning sideways a few times, focused on my best winter driving abilities and the blaring sound of Nickelback I can only clearly hear through my left ear. Returning home to check on the little ones only to find one wet the bed. Something is sometimes very grounding about a clear mind running into the motherly domestic duties of waking a 4 year old to clean her, redress her in warm clothes, changing bedding (being ever so careful to check each of the 40+ items including blankets, pillows, dolls, and stuffed animals to be sure nothing tht doesn't have to be washed isn't removed from her bed), and then tucking her snuggly back in bed only aft r pointing out the fresh blanket of snow iwth the prospect of making snow men in the morning. I can rejoice in moments of such semblance of sanity. Only to be hit further home after 20 minutes of quiet by a heart jerking cry of another one woken up from a bad dream. No sleeping alone tonight. Somehow I am not hesitant tonight or disrupted in any way by the inevitable foot in my neck that I can expect within an hour or so, waking me from my first taste of restful sleep that should have been found hours ago.... Hopefully it continues to snow enough for a snow day tomorrow. I think we are in a good space for it, sleep or not.

Lying

Quotes about lying... it's always facinating to see what sor tof quotes the internet can find on particular topics... food for thought for a later post i am sure....

“The truth is always an insult or a joke, lies are generally tastier. We love them. The nature of lies is to please. Truth has no concern for anyones comfort" - Arturo Binewski.”
― Katherine Dunn

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”

― Cheryl Hughes

“Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love.”

― Bonnie Eaker Weil

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”

― Eddie Izzard
(ok this one was just for fun because Eddie Izzard is my personal hero)

“But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. It can't last.”

― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

“It's not lying when you do it to officers!”

― Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment
(HAHAHAHA! Agreed! Its self preservation!)

“Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth.”

― David Mitchell, Ghostwritten
 
“We need falsifications to make the past inhabitable.”

― Frans Kellendonk

“The wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling.”

― Mark Twain

“You think it’s because they’re lying? Nonsense! I like it when people lie! Lying is man’s only privilege over all other organisms. If you lie--you get to the truth! Lying is what makes me a man. Not one truth has ever been reached without first lying fourteen times or so, maybe a hundred and fourteen, and that’s honorable in its way; well, but we can’t even lie with our own minds! Lie to me, but in your own way, and I’ll kiss you for it. Lying in one’s own way is almost better than telling the truth in someone else’s way; in the first case you’re a man, and in the second—no better than a bird! The truth won’t go away, but life can be nailed shut; there are examples. Well, so where are we all now? With regard to science, development, thought, invention, ideals, aspirations, liberalism, reason, experience, and everything, everything, everything, we’re all, without exception, still sitting in the first grade! We like getting by on other people’s reason--we’ve acquired a taste for it! Right? Am I right?”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky
(read a lot of Dostoyevsky in college, forgot how much i like his writing and how it forces one to really think... weather you agree with the content or not.)


Weird stuff to ponder... I like therapy.

Shut up I know its Beyonce!

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy